Complete Works of Anton Chekhov

SCENE VII.

PLATONOV and OSSIP.

PLATONOV. What is it? You, devil? Why have you come?

OSSIP. How do you do, Mikhail Vassilyitch!

PLATONOV. What have you to say? To what do I owe the pleasure of a visit from such a worthy person? Say quickly what you have to say, then go to the devil!

OSSIP. I’ll sit down. (He sits down.)

PLATONOV. Do me the favour! {Pause.) So it’s you, Ossip? What’s the matter with you? On your face are inscribed all the ten plagues of Egypt! What have you done to yourself? You look pale, thin, emaciated... Are you ill?

OSSIP. You also have plagues written on your face.

• . . And what have you done with yourself? The devil will take me, but you?

PLATONOV. I? I’m not acquainted with the devil.

• . . I’ll take myself... (Touches Ossi-p’s shoulder.) Only bones!

OSSIP. And where’s your fat? Are you ill, Mikhail Vassilyitch? From good conduct?

PLATONOV (sitting down). Why have you come?

OSSIP. To say good-bye.

PLATONOV. Why, are you leaving?

OSSIP. NO, I’m not leaving, but you are.

PLATONOV. SO that’s it! How do you know?

OSSIP. How shouldn’t I know!

PLATONOV. I’m not leaving, brother. You’ve come for nothing.

OSSIP. YOU are leaving. . . .

PLATONOV. You know everything, and you make everything your business... You’re a wizard, Ossip. I am leaving. You are right.

OSSIP. There, you see, I know. I even know where you are going.

PLATONOV. Yes? What a fellow you are... But I don’t know. You’re quite a clever chap! Well, tell me, where?

OSSIP. Do you want to know?

PLATONOV. Of course! Tell me. How interesting! Where am I going?

OSSIP. To the other world.

PLATONOV. That’s a long way! (Pause.) A riddle. And are you going to dispatch me there?

OSSIP. Quite so. I’ve brought you some post-horses.

PLATONOV. HOW kind of you! H’m ... So you’ve come to kill me?

OSSIP. Quite so.

PLATONOV (mimicking). Quite so... What insolence! So you’ve come to dispatch me to the other world... H’m . . . Are you going to kill me on your own account or by someone’s order?

OSSIP (showing a roll of money). Here... Ven- gerovitch gave this to me and asked me to cut you up! (Tears the money.)

PLATONOV. Aha . . . Old Vengerovitch?

OSSIP. The same. . . .

PLATONOV. Why did you tear up the money? Is it to show your bigness of soul, eh?

OSSIP. I have no bigness of soul to show. But I’ve torn up the money so you won’t think in the other world that I killed you for money.

PLATONOV (rises and faces up and down).

OSSIP. SO you’re afraid, Mikhail Vassilyitch? Horrible, isn’t it? (Laughs.) Run, shout! I’m not standing by the door, I’m not holding the door; the door is open! Run out, call the people, tell them that Ossip’s come to kill you! I have come to kill you... You don’t believe me? (PaUse.)

PLATONOV (goes to Ossip and looks at him). Astonishing! (Pause.) Why do you smile? Fool! (Strikes his hand.) Stop smiling! I’m speaking to you! Be silent! I’ll hang you! I’ll make putty out of you, you scoundrel! (Walks quickly away from him.) Anyhow . . . Don’t make me angry... It’s bad for me to be angry. . . .

OSSIP. Strike me across the cheek for being a noxious person!

PLATONOV. As much as you like! (Goes to Ossip and strikes him across the cheek.) Well? Did that make you reel? It’s nothing to the way you’ll reel when you get a hundred strokes across your empty skull! Do you remember how Filka died?

OSSIP. A dog’s death.

PLATONOV. HOW repugnant you are, you beast! I’m ready to destroy you, you wretch! What have human beings done to you that you’re ready to do them harm? Oh, you insolent scoundrel! (Strikes him across the cheek.) Monster! I’ll give it to you... I’ll . . . (Quickly walks away from Ossip.) Get out!

OSSIP. Spit into my eyes for being a noxious man!

PLATONOV. I don’t like wasting any spit!

OSSIP (rising). You dare to talk like that?

PLATONOV. Get out, before I mix you up with mud!

OSSIP. You don’t dare! You too are a noxious man!

PLATONOV. What? You’re going to argue with me? (Approaches him.) So you’ve come to kill me? Well, then. Kill me! Here I am! Kill me!

OSSIP. I respected you, Mr. Platonov. I considered you a decent sort of man! But now . . . It’s a pity to kill you, but it’s got to be done... You’re very noxious... Why did the young mistress come to you today?

PLATONOV. Kill me! Go ahead, kill me!

OSSIP. And why did the general’s widow come here today? You’re duping the widow, aren’t you? And where’s your wife? Which of the three is the real one? Eh? Aren’t you a noxious man after all that? (‘Quickly trips him over with his foot, and they fall together on the floor.)

PLATONOV. Get out! I’ll kill you, not you me! I am stronger than you! (They grapple.)

OSSIP. Give my regards to General Voinitzev when you land in the other world!

PLATONOV. Let me go!

OSSIP (drawing a knife from under his belt). Be quiet! I’ll kill you all the same! You’re strong too! You don’t want to die! You should have thought of that when you touched something which didn’t belong to you!

PLATONOV (shouting). My hand! Oh, my hand! Stop! Stop!

OSSIP. So you don’t want to die? You’ll soon be in the Kingdom of Heaven!

PLATONOV. Let go my hand! Let go, Ossip! I have a wife, a son... So you have a knife! Curse you! (Sasha comes running in.)