Light and dark

[127]

“I DON’T know what to say — I’m in a fog about whether Tsuda loves me or not. But goodness. Aren’t you lucky. When it comes to being loved, you’ve had a guarantee from the beginning!”

O-Nobu had known even before she was together with Tsuda that O-Hide had been chosen for her beauty. To women in general, and especially to a woman like O-Nobu, this fact was certainly a cause for envy. When Tsuda mentioned it for the first time, before she had laid eyes on O-Hide, O-Nobu was aware of feeling mildly jealous. Later, understanding that this fact was insubstantial as paper, she had even experienced, in addition to mild derision, the pleasure of having had her revenge. Thereafter, her attitude toward O-Hide where the question of love was concerned was always contempt. She was careful to make it appear that the other’s views were mutual and a source of delight, but that was of course mere flattery. Put less generously, it was a variety of ridicule.

Happily, O-Hide didn’t notice. There was a good reason why. Talk aside, where the actual experience of love was concerned, O-Hide was certainly no match for O-Nobu. With no experience of having loved ardently and no memory of having been the object of pure and unwavering love, she was a woman who remained ignorant of how large and powerful this gift could be at its grandest. She was at the same time a wife who was satisfied with her husband. In this regard at least, the maxim “ignorance is bliss” described her perfectly. Having accepted at the time of her marriage the stamp of love applied by her husband’s hand as a guarantee of her future and locked it away in her heart, her naiveté was such that she was able to accept O-Nobu’s appreciation at face value.

Having never identified the true shape of love, O-Hide’s idle, questionable pronouncements on the subject were a window that allowed keen-eyed O-Nobu to see into her heart. Apparently she was satisfied to derive from her own marriage her view of O-Nobu’s relationship to Tsuda. That much was apparent from the look of genuine surprise on her face when she heard O-Nobu’s remark. How could Tsuda’s love for O-Nobu be an issue now? And how could such a question be raised by his wife? And what in the world could she mean by saying such a thing in front of her husband’s sister? All this O-Nobu read in her companion’s expression.

In fact, what O-Hide actually saw was that O-Nobu was either too conceited to be satisfied with Tsuda’s love for her or a dissembler pretending not to realize that she held him in the palm of her hand.

“Gracious!” she exclaimed. “You want even more love than you have already?”

Normally this response would have been just what O-Nobu hoped for. The way she was feeling today, however, it couldn’t possibly have satisfied her. Somehow she must make herself clear. But that would require her to say candidly, “If Tsuda is still thinking of someone beside me, then how am I to be content with things as they are now?”

“But listen,” she had begun, and then hesitated and went silent, sensing that if she dared to lead this way, she would be sabotaging her own plan.

“Is there still something missing?”

As she spoke, O-Hide lowered her gaze to O-Nobu’s hand. The familiar ring was sparkling magnificently on her finger. But O-Hide’s sharp glance had no effect on O-Nobu. Her naiveté about the ring was unchanged from the day before. O-Hide was annoyed.

“It seems to me you’re the fortunate one. If you want something, it gets bought for you, and if you want to go somewhere, you get taken.”

“I suppose I am fortunate in that way.”

Accustomed to thinking how awkward it would be if, declining to assert to others her good fortune and happiness, she should happen to reveal her plight, O-Nobu had recourse now, as usual, to one of the set phrases she kept on hand. And once again she came to a stop. Only after she had repeated the very words she had said to Tsugiko when she visited the Okamotos the day after the theater did she realize it was O-Hide she was addressing. O-Hide’s expression appeared to be asking, “If you’re fortunate in that way, isn’t that enough?”

O-Nobu didn’t want to show O-Hide any evidence that she was suspicious of Tsuda. The trouble was, pretending to know nothing while she watched O-Hide make a fool of her was even more disagreeable. O-Hide would require skillful handling. She believed that making her way to her objective would prove to be a travail. She didn’t realize that her efforts were misbegotten and doomed to fail. She took yet another tack.