Light and dark

[143]

BY THEN O-Nobu was already heading for the clinic.

To reach the doctor’s office from Hori’s house, she had to walk east from the gate some two or three blocks and then cross the intersection at the main thoroughfare to the next street over. As she was approaching the corner, a trolley coming from the north stopped diagonally across the street. Happening to lift her head, she glanced at the window on her side without really looking and saw through the glass among the passengers the figure of a woman. From where she stood she was able to see only half or perhaps one-third of the woman’s profile, but what she did see made her gasp. She was struck instantly by the impression that she was looking at Madam Yoshikawa.

The trolley pulled away at once, depriving O-Nobu of the time she needed to confirm her impression. She stood for a while, watching it recede, then crossed to the east side of the street.

From there her way lay along side streets only. Familiar with the geography of the area, she chose the shortest route to the clinic, turning now left, now right down narrow streets. But since her encounter with the trolley, her legs were feeling heavy. She had come to within a few blocks of the clinic when it occurred to her it might be better to go home first and set out again from there.

She had left Hori’s place feeling disheartened. She had come away with the disagreeable feeling that by probing O-Hide frantically, she had only hurt herself. Part of her displeasure was frustration at having been allowed to catch the scent of what she was seeking though it remained hidden from her. Now she felt imbued even more deeply with the color of the uneasiness that scent had stirred in her. She was troubled most of all by the suspicion that it was her own vulnerability that had been detected and used to manipulate her, rather than the other way around.

O-Nobu’s sensitive antennae had picked up more than this. She sensed that a plot against her was developing invisibly. Whoever the conspirators might be, one among them was certainly O-Hide. It was easily surmised that Madam Yoshikawa was also involved. Imagining this, she felt suddenly forlorn. From a distance she was assailed by a feeling of helpless isolation, a lone brigade cut off and surrounded by the enemy. She surveyed her surroundings. But there was no one there she could rely on except her husband. The first thing she must do was hasten to Tsuda. Though she had her doubts about him, she retained her confidence in herself. Ardently hopeful that, no matter what else might happen, her husband would never join the conspirators, O-Nobu had no sooner left Hori’s gate behind than her feet had turned as if on their own in the direction of the clinic.

Now it had become necessary to contravene the effect of her thinking, and O-Nobu cursed from the bottom of her heart the streetcar she had run into on the way. If the person onboard had been Madam Yoshikawa, if Madam had paid a visit to Tsuda, if, following that visit — clever as she was, O-Nobu, unable to imagine what might follow, was at a loss to speculate. But there could be only one result. Her mind leaped from O-Hide to Madam Yoshikawa and from Madam to Tsuda. For no particular reason, she began to perceive them as all of a piece, a single whorl of being. Maybe they conduct a kind of electric current back and forth among them that I’m not allowed to feel.

Until this moment, her only thought had been of racing to her husband as if he were a safe haven; now she had to stop and reflect.

The way things are, just visiting won’t suffice. What counts is what to do when I get there.

She realized she had come this far with no idea of how she should behave. Determining an attitude that would be most effective in a meeting with Tsuda at this juncture now appeared to be critically important. She detected no internal voice insisting it was foolishness to deliberate about a visit to her husband as if he were a stranger; having decided that the wisest move would be to go home and collect herself before setting out again, O-Nobu turned back halfway down a side street that had already taken her to within just minutes from the clinic. Walking along a main boulevard planted with willows on both sides to a bustling thoroughfare, she boarded the first trolley.