Light and dark

[92]

HAVING SLEPT poorly the night before, Tsuda picked at the food on the tray the nurse had brought in and, lying back again, closed his heavy eyelids hoping to recover some of the sleep he had lost. O-Hide came in as he was drifting into a state of half sleep; he awoke as she was sliding the paper door open quietly in consideration of the patient, and their eyes met.

At moments like this they never displayed affection for each other. Nor did their expressions seem happy. They would have said that such a display was nothing more than a far too conventional social formality. And close to an exercise in a kind of dissimulation. There was a tacit agreement visible only to themselves as brother and sister and not binding on others. Since there was little point at this late date, conscious of wishing to be thought well of by the other, of going through the motions in a normal way, why not leave aside entirely any clumsy efforts aimed at deception and come face to face with an expression that was not at odds with their conscience? Over the years they had managed to reach this agreement without speaking a word. And the expression that was not at odds with conscience was precisely this one, void of affection.

In the first place, their connection was unusually intimate for a brother and sister. This obviated the need for restraint between them, which made an unaffectionate greeting a simple matter. There was also, besides, something out of tune about them. This troubling discordance inclined them to draw back reflexively, as though repelled at the sight of the other’s face.

Small wonder, then, that Tsuda’s eyes as he raised his head abruptly and discovered O-Hide in the doorway were hooded in lassitude and indifference. Having lifted himself upright, he fell back again on the pillow. O-Hide, true to form in her way, strode into the room as though she hadn’t noticed, and without a word.

The first thing she took in was the tray at the head of Tsuda’s mattress. It was a mess. Alongside an eggshell crushed beneath the weight of a milk bottle that had fallen on its side, a slice of toast with bites missing lay where it had been dropped. A second slice, untouched, rested neatly on a plate. There was also a remaining egg.

“Are you finished, Brother? Are you still eating?”

The state of the food remaining on the tray might have been interpreted either way.

“I’m through.”

Frowning, O-Hide carried the tray to the head of the stairs. Having just left her own tidy home, the breakfast remains, abandoned at her brother’s pillow side for who knew how long, possibly because the nurse had too much on her hands to come and fetch them, struck her as something of a disgrace.

“Filthy!”

The exclamation wasn’t admonitory so much as spoken to herself as she returned to her original seat. In any event, Tsuda did not engage with her.

“How’d you know I was here?”

“I was notified by phone.”

“O-Nobu?”

“Umm—”

“I told her she didn’t have to bother.”

It was O-Hide’s turn not to engage.

“I wanted to come right away but, unfortunately, I had a little problem yesterday—”

O-Hide caught herself and didn’t continue. Since her marriage, she had developed a habit of breaking off in the middle of a thought. There were times when Tsuda took this badly, interpreting it to mean “Since I’m married now even you are an outsider, Brother.” Considering the nature of his own marriage, Tsuda was by no means incapable of perceiving on reflection a certain logic in this. Far from it, he found himself secretly thinking how welcome it would be if O-Nobu would only engage the outside world with an attitude like his younger sister’s. And yet the feeling he was left with when O-Hide treated him in this manner was definitely not pleasant. He no longer had time, nor could he be bothered, to reflect that this was precisely the way he invariably behaved toward her.

Without urging O-Hide to finish, Tsuda spoke his mind.

“Busy as you are, there was no reason for you to come today either. I’m not that sick.”

“But Sister went to the trouble of phoning to ask me to visit if I had time.”

“Is that so?”

“Besides, I have a little business to discuss with you.”

For the first time, Tsuda turned toward O-Hide.