Light and dark

[85]

CYNICISM EDDIED in Kobayashi’s face. His countenance proclaimed the certainty of victory in just a matter of time. His manner even suggested he would like to extend this moment of elation into the future so that he might live the rest of his life basking in it.

What a despicable man, O-Nobu thought to herself. For a time she returned his glare as though unwilling to be bested. It was Kobayashi who spoke up first.

“Mrs. T, there’s something I absolutely must tell you as proof that Tsuda-kun has changed, but you seem so defeated, I’ll save that for afterward and begin with an opposite example, for your reference, of how he hasn’t changed one bit. I’d like to insist that you listen to this no matter how disagreeable it is — may I proceed?”

“Do as you wish,” O-Nobu said coldly.

“Much obliged,” Kobayashi replied, laughing.

“Tsuda-kun has had contempt for me since the old days. It’s true what I said before about his big change. But his contempt for me is the one thing that’s the same now as always. Not changed in the slightest. It appears that even your power to reform him, clever as you are, hasn’t mattered. Not that either of you would necessarily feel there was anything unreasonable about his attitude—”

Interrupting himself, Kobayashi peered at the forced smile on O-Nobu’s face. Then he continued.

“Don’t get me wrong — I’m not saying I want him to change particularly. I have no intention of relying on your efforts in that regard, so you needn’t concern yourself. The truth is, Tsuda-kun isn’t the only one who has contempt for me. I’m a person who is held in contempt by everyone. Even cheap women have contempt for me. To paint the complete picture, the whole world is clamoring to hold me in contempt.”

Kobayashi’s eyes were glazed. There was nothing O-Nobu could say.

“Goodness!”

“It’s a fact. Can you tell me you’re not actually thinking the same thing?”

“I’ve never heard such silliness.”

“I know you have to say that.”

“It seems you’re feeling terribly persecuted.”

“Maybe so. But no matter how I’m feeling, a fact is a fact. But never mind. I’m a born good-for-nothing, so I can’t really complain about being disrespected. I have no right to resent anyone. Still, Mrs. T! Do you have any idea how it feels to have been treated with contempt by everyone with no letup?”

His eyes never leaving her face, Kobayashi waited for her reply. O-Nobu had nothing to say. How could she be concerned about the feelings of someone for whom she could find no sympathy? Besides, she had problems of her own to consider; she was simply unable to spread the wings of her imagination for his sake. Perceiving this in her demeanor, Kobayashi exclaimed, “Mrs. T! My reason for living is to be abhorred by others. I say and do things to make people abhor me. Otherwise I couldn’t endure the pain. I couldn’t go on living. I can’t make people recognize my existence. I’m worthless. No matter how people disdain me, I can’t strike a decent blow back at them. Since I have no options, I think to myself, at least I can try to be hated. I take that on myself.”

The psychological state that had been unfurled for O-Nobu belonged to a person from a different planet. To be loved by everyone, to see to it that she was loved by everyone, particularly where her husband was concerned — this desire was in the fiber of her being. Moreover, she had always believed implicitly that the same desire was alive and undeniable in everyone, close to a natural law.

“You seem surprised. I suppose you’ve never met such a person. But you should know that people come in many flavors.”

Kobayashi looked somewhat less dyspeptic, as though relieved.

“I can see you’ve been sick of me for a while now. You’re thinking, ‘If only he’d leave, if only he’d leave.’ But for some reason the maid hasn’t come back, so you’re stuck with keeping me company. I see that clearly. You’ve been thinking I’m a hateful sort, but you have no idea why I’ve become so hateful, what turned me into this. So I offered you a little explanation. Even I wasn’t born hateful, at least I don’t imagine so—”

Once again, Kobayashi laughed aloud.