Light and dark

[136]

THIS WAS the first time Tsuda had heard Madam Yoshikawa speak this way. He hadn’t troubled himself with speculation about how she viewed his marriage from the sidelines, and now he had an inkling. Thinking she might at least have alerted him sooner, he decided nonetheless that he was well advised to listen patiently to her assessments. “Why not just say everything on your mind? It will help me understand how to carry on from here.”

Having come thus far, Madam would hardly have been able to restrain herself even without an invitation from Tsuda, and she proceeded to lay out in front of him everything that remained on her mind.

“I know you treat Nobuko-san so well because you feel an obligation to my husband and Okamoto. If you’d like to hear it even more bluntly, I can oblige you. You make it appear to others that you care for her deeply, while in your heart that isn’t exactly so — am I right or am I wrong?”

Tsuda would never have dreamed that his companion was observing him so cynically.

“That’s how I appear to you?”

“Indeed it is!”

She might as well have slashed him with a Japanese sword. Reeling, he sought an explanation.

“What is it about me that you see?”

“Why bother to conceal it?”

“I’m not aware of concealing anything.”

Madam bore down with confidence that ten out of ten of her assumptions were accurate. Tsuda was unable to concede entirely, and the vagueness of his responses suggested unspoken reservations. It was easily seen that these would become the seeds of further misunderstanding. Repeating herself endlessly, the lady drove Tsuda in precisely the direction she wished him to move.

“Concealing things simply won’t do! You make it impossible for me to continue.”

Tsuda was determined to hear the rest. As he listened to what followed, he found he had no choice but to accept every one of her conclusions.

“Is that clear enough?” When she had driven him into a corner, she advanced yet another step.

“You’re making a big mistake. You’re putting me in the same boat as my husband. And you make no distinction between my husband and Okamoto. Perhaps that’s understandable, but it’s absurd of you, a huge misunderstanding, to lump me together with them, at least where this issue is concerned. It’s astonishing to me that someone who’s read as many books as you have should make such a simple mistake.”

Tsuda had managed at last to understand the lady’s position. He remained uncertain, however, where that position located her in relation to himself.

“It should be plain as day. I’m different because I’m the only one with a special connection to you.”

Tsuda perfectly understood the substance of their “special connection.” But that wasn’t the issue at hand. After all, precisely because he did understand, he had been careful to make sure to this day that his actions had been appropriately shaped and colored to reflect the connection. Determining more clearly just how it was governing the lady was likely to uncover a new problem; realizing as much, Tsuda sensed that merely acknowledging his misunderstanding would no longer be adequate.

The lady declared herself unambiguously.

“I’m on your side.”

“I’ve never doubted that. I believe it absolutely. And I’m grateful to you for it. But how do you mean that? I wonder what it means to you to be on my side in this case. I’m such a lamebrain I’m not sure I understand what you mean. If you could be a little clearer.”

“In this case I believe there’s only one way I can be on your side.”

“But you probably—”

Madam Yoshikawa rested her gaze on Tsuda’s face. He supposed he was in for more aggravation. But the lady’s question, an abrupt change, suggested otherwise.

“Will you listen to what I say or won’t you?”

Tsuda had retained his common sense. He considered what anyone driven into a place like this would have to think. But he lacked the courage to make clear what he was thinking in front of the lady. As a result he felt stymied. Unable to say he would or would not listen, he hesitated.

“You might as well say what you’re thinking.”

“I won’t accept ‘might as well.’ It’s hard for me to speak when you sound so unsure.”

“It’s just that—”

“Never mind ‘it’s just that’—be a man for heaven’s sake and say you’ll listen!”