Light and dark

[158]

BUT THERE was more to come of Kobayashi’s lecture. Following a long look of appraisal at Tsuda, he returned suddenly in an unexpected leap to an earlier subject. This was precisely the issue that had surfaced briefly here and there at the beginning of their conversation, only to be submerged beneath the vigor of what followed.

“I know that what I’m saying is getting through to you. But it seems you’re not ready to accept it. You’re caught in a contradiction. And I know why. First of all it troubles the hell out of you as a so-called wise man that the person doing the talking has no rank or social standing, no assets and no steady job. If this were coming from Mrs. Yoshikawa or someone like that, you’d sit up and take notice no matter how idiotic it was. And no, I’m not just feeling sorry for myself; that’s an incontestable fact. There’s something you need to appreciate — I’m able to say all these things because I’m who I am. You need to understand that neither your uncle Fujii nor Mrs. T would know anything about this. Why? Because no matter how poor he may be, Sensei has never had to lick the dregs the way I have. Much less the rest of your gang with their easy lives.”

Tsuda wasn’t certain who was included in “the rest of his gang.” His only thought was that it must refer to Madam Yoshikawa and the Okamotos. But Kobayashi moved briskly on without affording him the time to frame such a question.

“In the second place, the suggestion I just made — maybe it was advice or an admonition or just simple knowledge, it doesn’t really matter — at any rate what I’ve been saying hasn’t made you feel it was anything you had to pay attention to. Your mind understands, but in your heart you’re not persuaded; that’s how you are right now. We could always blame it on the abyss that separates us and forget about it, but my objective is to see if I can’t compel you to pay attention, you follow me? It turns out the gap created by circumstances and social position isn’t so very important. The truth is that ten out of ten people repeat the same experiences in different forms. To put it even more plainly, I’m me and I see things in the way that’s most urgent for me to see them; you’re you and you see with an eye that’s most appropriate for you. And that’s really the extent of the difference between us. When someone in privileged circumstances gets a bit bewildered or stymied or maybe stumbles, the light he sees things in will change. But seeing things in a different light doesn’t mean he’s changed his vantage point. In other words, all I’m saying is the day will come when you’ll have occasion to recall what I’m telling you now.”

“I’ll be careful to remember.”

“You do that, I guarantee you the time will come when you’ll think back on it.”

“Fair enough — I get it.”

“The funny thing is, whether you think you get it or not won’t make any difference.”

With these words Kobayashi abruptly broke into laughter. Tsuda had no idea why. Before he was asked, Kobayashi explained.

“Let’s say the moment arrives when you see that I’m right. Will you be able to yell shazam! and transform on the spot? Will you be able to transform into me as I am now?”

“I don’t know.”

“The hell you don’t. You know perfectly well that you won’t. I’m not boasting; I had to lock myself in a monk’s cell to get where I am now. I may be something of a dunce, but I can tell you I’ve paid for this with my own lifeblood.”

Kobayashi’s self-satisfaction irked Tsuda. What can he have paid for with his sickly whoreson’s blood? He allowed his contempt to shadow his countenance as he spoke.

“Then why bother to tell me this? You’re saying even if I bear it in mind, it won’t do me any good when I need it.”

“Of course it won’t. Still, it’s better to hear it.”

“Better not to.”

Kobayashi leaned back in his chair as though happily and laughed again.

“Bravo. You’re showing your true colors now just as I hoped you would.”

“What are you talking about?”

“I’m just stating a fact. Let me spell it out for you. When you get driven into a corner with nowhere to go, you’ll remember my words. You’ll remember, but you won’t be able to act on them. That’s when you’ll feel it would have been better not to have listened at all.”

“To hell with you! What’s the point of all that?”

“No point — it’s at that moment that I’ll finally have my revenge for your contempt.”

Tsuda spoke more calmly.

“You feel that hostile to me?”

“How can you say that? Hostility? I have only the best of intentions where you’re concerned. But the fact remains, doesn’t it, that you hold me in contempt. And when I point out conversely that there are reasons for me to have contempt for you as well, you settle back on your high and mighty throne and ignore me. Words are useless with you; you challenge me to have at you in a real battle, so what choice do I have but engaging you and doing the best I can to win?”

“Fine. That’s clear enough — Is that it, have you said your piece?”

“Hardly. I’m just getting to the main argument.”

A little dismayed, Tsuda watched Kobayashi lift a glass of beer to his lips and empty it in a single draft.