Light and dark

[147]

O-NOBU REALIZED that she was more agitated than her husband. Having observed that launching herself against him in this state was not bringing him to ground, she veered before her own secret was exposed.

“Is that so? That’s all very well. Because I couldn’t care less whether Kobayashi-san came or not. What I would like is to hear from you about Mrs. Yoshikawa’s errand. I know perfectly well she didn’t visit just to see how you were doing.”

“You say that, but I’m telling you she wasn’t here about anything important. I don’t know what you’re expecting, but I imagine you’re going to be disappointed when you hear what it was.”

“I don’t mind being disappointed; I just want to know the whole truth so I can put my mind at ease.”

“Her main purpose was a get-well visit; the so-called errand was an afterthought.”

“That’s fine. Either way.”

Tsuda reported only that Madam had suggested he take himself to the hot springs after leaving the hospital. No less a tactician in his own way than O-Nobu was resourceful in hers, he delivered himself effortlessly of an explanation, deftly scoured of anything awkward, that would have sounded unembellished and plausible to anyone listening. On the surface this left no room for O-Nobu to interject so much as a word of protest.

But their uneasiness was mutual. O-Nobu struggled to see through his simple explanation to what lay behind it. Tsuda was determined to keep it hidden no matter what. Beneath the placid surface they waged a silent battle in which courage was posed against courage, artifice against artifice. It was only natural, though, inasmuch as the defending husband was vulnerable, that the attacking wife should have been strengthened in proportion to his weakness. Accordingly, viewed from their positions in relation to each other, without consideration of their inherent skill, O-Nobu was the victor before the battle had begun. Even judging by a standard of intrinsic right and wrong, reasonable and unreasonable, O-Nobu had won before the competition began. Tsuda certainly was aware of this. O-Nobu also had a general idea that it was so.

A resolution of the battle would depend on whether the interior truth could be driven to the surface unaltered. If only Tsuda were able to be honest, this might be an unimaginably simple contest. By the same token, if even a vestige of dishonesty remained in him, it would be a fortress unimaginably difficult to breach. Unhappily for O-Nobu, she had not yet fashioned for herself a weapon adequate to driving him into the open. In circumstances such that her only option was finding a way to force open the gates to the fort, she was as good as helpless.

Why couldn’t she content herself with a victory in her heart and make a clean break? Why must she give tangible shape to her song of victory to feel satisfied? At this moment she lacked the presence of mind to do otherwise. Battles more important than this one awaited her. With a second and a third objective still before her, she feared she would be helpless to move on unless she broke through the resistance confronting her now.

In fact, the bout itself was not the most important thing. She was looking for the truth. Her principal aim was less defeating her husband than resolving her own doubts. For O-Nobu, who had made Tsuda’s love the object of her very existence, clearing those doubts was a matter of absolute necessity, a major objective in its own right. It thrust itself at her with an importance that transcended anything that could be deemed an approach or a means.

Given the context of things, to the extent that deliberation would avail her, this was the enigma she must dedicate herself to dwelling on. This was her natural course. Unfortunately nature itself dwarfed her. It extended far above and beyond her. Impartial as the sun, it did not scruple to scorch her in her pitifulness.

She continued to dwell, and at each utterance Tsuda withdrew a step. If she spoke twice, he took two steps back. Gradually the distance between them widened. Nature didn’t hesitate to trample on the actions that proceeded from her own small nature. At each step it broke the back of her objective without remorse. Inside herself she recognized this. But she was unable to fathom its significance. She could only insist to herself that such a thing couldn’t be. But the moment came when she could no longer quiet her tortured heart.

“You have no idea how much time I spend thinking about you.”

A look of dismay appeared on Tsuda’s face, as if this were beyond enduring.

“Which is why I never doubt you.”

“Why should you? If I had to live with your doubts on top of all this, I’d be better off dead!”

“Must you be so dramatic? First of all, nothing is going on. Not anywhere. If there is, accuse me of it. That way I can defend myself if necessary, or explain, or something. But I don’t see what I can do about grievances that have no basis.”

“You know perfectly well what the basis is; it’s locked away in your heart.”

“I don’t know what to do if that’s all you have to say — Kobayashi put something in your head, didn’t he! That must be it. Why don’t you tell me what he said? The whole story; you needn’t worry about how I’ll feel.”