Light and dark

[149]

HAVING FLAILED away at Tsuda’s defenses, O-Nobu halted. The thought that her husband had not been deceiving her so unconscionably drained the energy she needed to press forward as she had intended. Sensing her hesitation, Tsuda seized upon it.

“Why should you care what someone like O-Hide has to say? O-Hide is O-Hide and you’re you.”

O-Nobu replied, “Why should I care? Why should you care what someone like Kobayashi says to me? You’re you and he’s him.”

“I don’t care. I wouldn’t care if you just stood your own ground. But when he creates suspicion and misunderstandings that get waved in my face, then I have to defend myself, that’s all.”

“It’s exactly the same for me. O-Hide’s contempt wouldn’t trouble me; I could even handle Aunt Fujii turning away, if only you would stand your ground. You’re the only one who matters, but you—”

O-Nobu faltered. She had no clear facts. Consequently, she had nothing clear to say. Once again, Tsuda seized hold.

“You must be afraid I’ll behave in a way that reflects badly on you. Why not lean on me a little instead and take some comfort?”

O-Nobu abruptly lifted her voice until she was almost shouting.

“I want to lean on you. I want to feel secure. I want immensely to lean, beyond anything you can imagine.”

“You think I can’t imagine?”

“You can’t at all. If you could, you’d change for me. You’re able to be so aloof because you can’t imagine.”

“Since when am I aloof?”

“You don’t feel sorry for me, you don’t pity me.”

“Feel sorry? Pity you?”

Tsuda repeated after O-Nobu and momentarily floundered. When he spoke again, his voice wavered.

“You say I don’t feel for you. I want to; I certainly would, if only there were a reason. But there isn’t, so what am I to do?”

O-Nobu’s voice was taut.

“Yoshio! Oh, Yoshio!”

Tsuda was silent.

“Please! Make me feel secure. As a favor to me. Without you, I’m a woman with nothing to lean against. I’m a wretched woman who’ll collapse the minute you step away. So please tell me I can feel secure. Please say it, ‘Feel secure.’”

Tsuda considered.

“You can. You can feel secure.”

“Truly?”

“Truly. You have no reason to worry.”

As if she had burst the chains that bound her heart, O-Nobu hurled her passion at her husband.

“Tell me, then. Please. Tell me everything right here and now, the whole story. Come out with it and give me some peace of mind.”

Tsuda was flummoxed. His feelings surged and ebbed like a wave. He considered summoning his courage and revealing everything. In the same moment, he reflected that whatever doubts O-Nobu might have about him, she almost certainly did not have hard evidence in hand. Had she known the facts, he reasoned further, having gone this far she would undoubtedly have thrown them in his face.

He did feel sorry for her. But there was still room for him to get away. He vacillated between moral scruple and self-interest. Abruptly the weight of a trip to the hot-springs resort was added to one side of the balance. Making good on his promise was an obligation to Madam Yoshikawa. And it was something he had to do. The victory went to his sense that the wiser policy would be to avoid a confession until after the journey had been accomplished.

“We’re just working ourselves up with all this talk. Since there’s no limit to it, I say let’s stop here. But I’ll make you a promise you’ll appreciate.”

“A promise?”

“A guarantee. I’ll guarantee that nothing will happen to compromise your honor.”

“How can you do that?”

“How? Since I can hardly present you a certificate, I’ll swear it.”

O-Nobu was silent.

“If you’ll just say you trust me, that’s all I require. In the unlikely event something should come up and you feel threatened, all you need to say to me is ‘Make this go away.’ And I’ll reply, ‘You bet I will, I’ve promised.’ How about it? Does that feel like a decent compromise?”