Light and dark

[141]

RECUPERATING AT a comfortable spa with travel expenses paid and time away from work arranged by someone else would have appealed to anyone. For Tsuda in particular, this was a rare opportunity that seemed tailor-made for a man who tried to live his life as though its principal theme were his personal pleasure. He would have said that standing idly by as it slipped away would have been the height of foolishness. This was an opportunity, however, that came with a contingency that was by no means trivial. He bethought himself.

The nature of the psychology holding him back was clear as day. But his very awareness of its manifest power prevented him from reflecting carefully on its meaning. On this head as well, the lady was a more reliable observer of his psychology than he. Seeing him appear to hesitate when she had assumed he would promise her to act at once, she spoke.

“You’re dragging your feet even though in your heart you want to go, isn’t that so? If you ask me, that’s the worst of your unmanly traits.”

Not so very disturbed by the accusation of unmanliness, Tsuda replied.

“You may be right, but this requires some thought.”

“Your addiction to thinking will come back to haunt you.”

“I beg your pardon?” Tsuda exclaimed in surprise. Madam continued as if she hadn’t noticed.

“At a time like this, a woman doesn’t think.”

“Doesn’t that make me manly, then, since I’m a thinker?”

The lady turned severe.

“This is no time for wisecracks. What do you think you prove by putting someone down with words and nothing more? Such foolishness! You’ve been to college and read all those books, and even so you’re invisible to yourself, it’s pathetic. In the end that’s why Kiyoko-san ran away on you.”

“What are you talking about!” Tsuda protested again. The lady paid no attention.

“Since you’re in a fog, let me explain. I understand perfectly why you don’t want to go. You’re a coward. You’re afraid to appear in front of Kiyoko-san.”

“That’s not so. I—”

“Hold on a minute — you want to say you’re courageous. But that’s not how it will come out — I bet you’ll say it’s a matter of saving face. And I say that carrying on about your pride is nothing more than cowardice. Think about it. Saving face is merely vanity. Or be kind to yourself and call it concern with how things appear on the surface. But once you’ve subtracted your deference to others and your concerns about what they’ll think, what do you have left? It’s the same as a young bride who pushes her food away because she thinks that eating will compromise her in the eyes of her parents-in-law even though no one has said a word.”

Tsuda was appalled. But the lady’s tirade continued.

“The trouble is, frankly, you’re too concerned about what everybody thinks, and that prompts you to bridle and dig in your heels when there’s no need. That stubbornness shows up in an odd way as infatuation with yourself.”

Tsuda could only remain silent. The lady proceeded relentlessly to explain what she meant by his pride and conceit.

“You’d like to maintain your superior silence forever. To sit there utterly still as if you hadn’t a care in the world. And yet inside you’re tormented by what happened. And try looking even deeper. You’re thinking, ‘If I just sit here this way some explanation from Kiyoko-san will arrive before long.’”

“I’m thinking no such thing. How can you say that about me?”

“What I can say is that you might as well be thinking that. What else can I possibly say if there’s no change in you somewhere?”

Tsuda had lost the courage to resist. The lady sensed this at once and swiftly took advantage.

“Goodness! What an audacious fellow you are! And I bet you think that audacity is crucial to getting ahead in the world?”

“Not in the least.”

“Au contraire! If you think I haven’t seen that yet, you’re making a big mistake. Besides, what’s wrong with it, I like audacity. So why not make use of yours now when it would stand you in good stead? Like a man. After all, I’m here to help you do just that.”

“Make use of my audacity?” Tsuda said, changing his tone. “Is she there by herself?”

“Of course.”

“Where’s Seki?”

“Seki-san is here. He has things to do here.”

In the end Tsuda resolved to go no matter what might happen.