Russia in 1839 -Empire of the Czar: A Journey Through Eternal Russia

the author's debut at court. 199

return home would, in itself, be the way to create a scene. On the other hand, to show myself as I was, would ruin me in the estimation of the Emperor and his courtiers ; and I have no philosophy against ridicule to which I voluntarily expose myself. The troubles that pleasure draws one into at a thousand leagues from home, appear to me insupportable. It was so easy not to go at all, that to go awkwardly were unpardonable. I might hope to conceal myself in the crowd; but, I repeat, there never is a crowd in Russia; and least of all upon a staircase like that of the new winter palace, which resembles some decoration in the opera of Gustavus. This palace is, I believe, the largest and most magnificent of all existing royal or imperial residences.

I felt my natural timidity increase with the confusion which this ludicrous accident produced, until, at length, fear itself supplied me with courage, and I began to limp as lightly as I could across the immense saloons and stately galleries, the length and strong light of which I inwardly cursed. The Russians are cool, quick-sighted quizzes, possessing, like all the ambitious, little delicacy of feeling. They are, besides, mistrustful of strangers, whose judgment they fear, because they believe we have but little good feeling towards them. This prejudice renders them censorious and secretly caustic, although outwardly they appear hospitable and polite.

I reached, at length, but not without difficulty, the further end of the imperial chapel. There all was forgotten, even myself and my foolish embarrassment; indeed, in this place the crowd was more dense, and no one could see what was wanting to my equipment. к 4